6 months..

I don’t know how this day is already here. It’s been a day that I have dreaded and that I hoped I would never see for a long time. 6 months today, was the last day I got to see my brother smile, to hear him laugh and to hear his voice. It was the last time I got to hear him make a silly joke, and flip his hair around like the goofball he was, because he was so proud of how long his hair had gotten. I remember every single detail of that day, and the days following. It’s something that I don’t think I will EVER be able to forget.

Half a year without my best friend. Some days it’s already felt like a lifetime, some days it only feels like it’s been a few short weeks. I still can hear his laugh inside my head. When something funny happens, I automatically think “Mikey would be laughing so hard right now.” I always think about what he would do, or how he would react to everything. I see SO MUCH of him in ALL of his little babies, and it just blows my mind how alike him they are. The first ever Browns game, I watched for him – and every single one after. (I’ve always been confused with football 😂 but I’m watching it for my big brother 💛)

I often feel him around me, taking in all the signs. I never used to be a big believer of that sort of thing, until recently. Everything has sort of just fell into place, and it’s like – when I need him the most, he’s always there. Just as he was when he was here for me to talk to in person or on the phone. It still feels so unreal, still like it’s all just a bad dream. I just know he will always be with me. All I want to do is make him proud. I love you so much Michael Alan, and we miss you every single day. I hope those beautiful angel wings continue taking you places you’ve always wanted to see. 💙


Why I’m NOT Going To College

Yes, you read the title correctly. I am not going to college.

I graduated last year, July of 2017 I received my diploma. Normally it would have been in May or early June that you would get your diploma, but I unfortunately was lacking a credit or two (thanks to math, and no – I am still not any good at it!) I had to take summer school after in order to graduate – which I wasn’t mad about to a point, but that did mean I had to miss my graduation walk with my class. It was actually kind of a bummer? But in a sense I really didn’t mind – because I was that kind of person that was afraid of messing up or afraid of falling on stage, you know the typical things. It was just the experience I was sad I was going to miss, so no I never got to walk on stage at a graduation ceremony. I did however graduate and my family threw me a graduation party so that was the best part.

As for college, I never even thought much about going. I didn’t take my tests to go, I didn’t look much into myself going. Well, not really. It was never something that I saw myself doing. It was never something I saw myself content with. I always had a pretty difficult time in school, in a way it made me feel less than everyone else because I wasn’t always smart and sometimes I didn’t say the right things so it made me feel like everyone else was judging me. Over the summer, and my previous High School years, I did look into majors – I even took online quizzes to figure out what kind of person I was destine to become, what kind of career path I was suppose to take. None of the answers I ever got, were something I ever had any interest in at all. The one thing I did however find myself growing closer and closer to as the years went by, from the third grade all the way until now – which would have been my sophomore year of college, I find myself drawn to writing. I love getting my voice out there, I love being able to say what I want to say and being able to actually have a say in the matter.

Yes, I know there is journalism classes in college, but here is the thing. I like to do things on my own. I like writing about what I want, I like being creative. I like doing things on my own time and I like writing about the things I want to, when I want to. Whether it is something I can end up making money off of one day or not, writing will always have a place in my heart. It will always be something I go to when I need to vent, when I want to write a few words, sentences, paragraphs. I just love the idea of words and feelings being able to get out there in the open. It is a way for me to clear my head, and to just let everything lose. It is a way I find myself vulnerable and open minded. It is my meditation, my safe space.

So no, I am not going to college. I have taken every single aspect of it into consideration. I have looked into colleges, majors and so many more sides to the life of a college student, but it just didn’t fit what I want my life to be. I didn’t see my life moving forward. I want to move forward, doing something I like to do and being happy. College isn’t for everyone. Every single person has a different opinion on it. Every single person will get somewhere one day. If you are going to college, I truly believe you will do amazing things. If you aren’t going to college, I believe you will do amazing things as well.

I am not 100% sure where life will take me, but I know one thing – as long as I am happy, that is all I can ask for.

18 Things I Learned At 18

Yesterday, on September 17th – I turned 19 years old! I decided to compile a list of all things I have learned in the 18 years I have actually had to experience, and share it with you all.

1. Speak up. Don’t let people talk over you, let your voice be heard.

2. Never apologize for feeling the way you do.

3. Always tell your family how much you love them. Cherish every single moment.

4. Take risks!!

5. You’re not going to be close with the same people forever. But that’s okay.

6. Smile at everyone. It will make you feel better & you might just make someone’s day.

7. Yes, having a full on meltdown is okay. You can learn a lot from it in the end.

8. Ice cream is the best.

9. Take care of yourself!!

10. Keep an open mind about everything.

11. Reading always clears my head.

12. Get outside as much as you can, explore the world.

13. Give your animals love. They need it too.

14. It is okay to spend time alone.

15. Whatever you’re going through, it isn’t going to last forever.

16. Iced Coffee is so good.

17. Stop being a picky eater, you’d be surprised at how many things you actually enjoy.

18. Appreciate life and all that you have.

Remembering 9/11

17 years ago, the world changed. Everyone went to bed the night before, fathers and mothers tucking in their precious children before school, kissing one another goodnight. Excited for what tomorrow is going to bring, not knowing what REALLY lies ahead.

They went about their family morning routine as usual. Waking up, kissing their children as they put them on the school bus. Kissing their significant other as they got into their car, saying they would be home for dinner. They went to work, not know what REALLY lies ahead.

They get to work, they go about their day. They are excited because they are close to a new job promotion. They can’t wait! Suddenly, everything changes. They see their entire life flash before their eyes. The terror in their coworkers eyes. The frightened looks on everyone’s faces. They don’t know what is wrong, but they know – what really lies ahead.

17 years ago, the entire world changed in the blink of an eye. Families lost their loved ones that they thought they would see again. The same loved ones that they just had seen that morning, happy as can be. Although it may have been 17 years ago, we still remember. We never forget. The heroic act of men and women, who lost their lives as well trying to save the lives of others. We never forget.

Don’t ever take life for granted. Things can change in the blink of an eye. Cherish every single moment. Every friendly encounter, every family dinner or movie night.

Rest In Heaven, to all the men and women who lost their lives on this day. You are deeply missed and never ever forgotten.